1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:07,640
It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.

2
00:00:08,060 --> 00:00:13,120
But where are those good old fashioned
values on which we used to rely?

3
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,720
Lucky there's a family guy.

4
00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:23,780
Lucky there's a man who finds a new man
who all the things we make up. Laugh and

5
00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:28,380
cry. He's a family guy.

6
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,220
Hey, did you think any more about how
you want to celebrate your birthday?

7
00:00:40,220 --> 00:00:41,139
coming up quick.

8
00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:44,520
Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors
-themed sleepover could be fun.

9
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,200
Why do you always like the worst version
of everything?

10
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,720
That is not true.

11
00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:53,240
Oh, I'll be right back. I forgot I'm out
of Tom's of West Virginia toothpaste.

12
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,660
Same stuff as Maine, but made for less
teeth.

13
00:00:56,780 --> 00:01:01,940
Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars
Mort's got in here. One Musketeer,

14
00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:05,940
Yuck, Oi Henry, Almond Content but Not
Quite Joy.

15
00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:10,170
Forget that. Check this out. I can tell
you exactly which ailment each of these

16
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:14,450
people in line has. What? How can you do
that? It's a known fact. Dogs can smell

17
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,550
all kinds of different medical
conditions. Watch.

18
00:01:17,270 --> 00:01:18,370
She has diabetes.

19
00:01:18,950 --> 00:01:20,250
He has migraines.

20
00:01:20,610 --> 00:01:25,730
And that guy's got, um, that thing.
What's the thing that Magic Johnson has?

21
00:01:25,990 --> 00:01:28,710
AIDS? Yeah, that. You forgot about AIDS?

22
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:30,170
It was never a dog thing.

23
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:38,350
Now, there's always one who shows up in
their pajamas because they don't want to

24
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:39,630
change in a strange house.

25
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:44,010
It's 4 o 'clock, dear. You're going to
ruin those slippers walking from the

26
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I don't care.

27
00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:50,730
You guys all know Patty, Ruth, and
Esther. And since we're a modern teenage

28
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friend group, here's our gender -neutral
friend, Devin.

29
00:01:53,210 --> 00:01:56,710
Lois, what's with that kid? Every piece
of clothing saying something different.

30
00:01:57,070 --> 00:01:59,770
Peter, be nice. You can't freak out like
this.

31
00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,270
Don't worry. I can be shuttle.

32
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:03,380
What are you? Declare yourself!

33
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,280
Why don't you just go to the garage and
mutter while kicking stuff?

34
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:09,020
Stupid world's passing me by.

35
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,120
Everyone needs to be something.

36
00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:13,960
How does anything make sense if
everybody's everything?

37
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:19,780
Ew, Dad.

38
00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:21,060
What are you doing?

39
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:25,640
Sorry, Meg. All dads are required to
walk shirtless through any teen party

40
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,740
they drink a canned beverage that was
discontinued in the 90s. Sip of Surge,

41
00:02:29,740 --> 00:02:31,340
anyone? Devon, sip a surge?

42
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:32,660
Well, can you please leave?

43
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:34,060
We're about to play truth or dare.

44
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:35,400
Truth or dare?

45
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,520
Is that that game where you hide and go
seek?

46
00:02:37,820 --> 00:02:41,780
No. You either have to answer a question
with total honesty or do something

47
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:43,020
crazy that people make up.

48
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,500
I went with my version.

49
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,460
But how about I play with you?

50
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,000
Um, sure, Dad.

51
00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:50,060
I dare you to get the hell out of here.

52
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:51,720
On it.

53
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,440
Check it out, Lois. I'm playing truth or
dare with Meg.

54
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,100
You're really not, Peter.

55
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,840
But hey, I'll play truth or dare with
you.

56
00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,060
After all, we've never played together.

57
00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,420
Really? Okay, I pick dare.

58
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,680
All right.

59
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:13,500
Um, I dare you to lick the Swanson's
mailbox.

60
00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:15,740
Watch me.

61
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,380
Damn it, if he gets my TV guide, Soggy,
I'm going to be furious.

62
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:26,340
You still get TV guide?

63
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:27,640
There's still TV.

64
00:03:29,830 --> 00:03:31,070
Okay, okay, your turn.

65
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,510
All right, truth.

66
00:03:32,930 --> 00:03:37,030
Okay, let's see. How many men have you
slept with in your lifetime?

67
00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:38,950
Dare. What?

68
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:43,030
You can't just change. Peter, it's my
right to choose from the two options,

69
00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:44,030
I choose dare.

70
00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:47,920
It's no big deal. I'll tell you my
number. I'll admit, I was a bit of a

71
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,060
back in my day. I slept with two whole
women.

72
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,060
Seven, if you count finishing during
long hugs. Peter, I'm not answering.

73
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,520
Come on, it's fine. Just say the number.
Keep it in mind that any number other

74
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,760
than zero will send me into a ten -year
spiral.

75
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,500
This conversation is over. I'm going to
bed.

76
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,820
No, not till this is settled. I mean,
now it's a safety issue.

77
00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:11,320
I gotta know if I need to wear this old
-timey scuba helmet before I give you

78
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,420
the Michael Douglas special.

79
00:04:16,140 --> 00:04:19,459
Somebody grab the Ouija board. I want to
ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he

80
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,459
really killed himself.

81
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:24,600
Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy
in the shape of a rolled -up newspaper?

82
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:29,160
Headline reads, Chewy defeats Chewman.
No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross

83
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,260
toy. Please leave.

84
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:31,640
Fine.

85
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,480
Not going to leave completely empty
-handed.

86
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:41,220
You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is
coming through.

87
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:44,180
Hey, how old?

88
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,620
Are you ladies?

89
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:49,760
It's him.

90
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:57,660
Yeah, that's good chewing.

91
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:00,780
And this, Emma, is where the magic
happens.

92
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,280
I thought you lived alone.

93
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,400
Nice going, Brian. Do you know how hard
it was to go from being duct taped to my

94
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,900
seat to bringing her home? What are you
even doing? Kind of just chewing and

95
00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:11,900
sniffing Patty's bra.

96
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,040
Ugh, creepy.

97
00:05:13,370 --> 00:05:16,830
It's not creepy. I'm a dog. If I don't
chew something every 40 minutes, I go

98
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:17,830
frickin' crazy.

99
00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:19,710
Oh, my God.

100
00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:21,050
That's not good. What?

101
00:05:21,370 --> 00:05:25,570
I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer
from Patty's bra. I think Patty may have

102
00:05:25,570 --> 00:05:26,850
breast cancer. What?

103
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:30,510
First Celine Dion gets stiff person
syndrome and now this?

104
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,040
It's no damn unfair.

105
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:33,359
All right, calm down.

106
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,400
No, Brian. I'm still processing stiff
person syndrome, which is definitely a

107
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real thing and not a way of getting out
of Vegas shows that your agent husband

108
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:41,580
roped you into.

109
00:05:41,620 --> 00:05:42,620
I think we're getting off track.

110
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,500
Maybe. But if Patty has breast cancer,
you have to tell Meg right away.

111
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,540
I can't do that. Then she'll know I took
the bra.

112
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:52,280
You need to tell her, Brian, even though
it's hard to break bad news.

113
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,000
And I should know. I used to be a
department store spokesperson.

114
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:59,030
As of today, Macy's is closing 100 of
its stores.

115
00:05:59,290 --> 00:06:03,290
So to be clear, that's 100 places you
can no longer buy funeral shirts on a

116
00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,330
day's notice. Everyone is going to have
to start thinking about their funerals

117
00:06:06,330 --> 00:06:07,410
at least two days before.

118
00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:11,050
But where else can shoppers get nice
watches that aren't actually nice?

119
00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:13,850
Or take a dump in the mall without
having to buy something?

120
00:06:14,110 --> 00:06:17,230
Well, I suppose those will both have to
be done at Nordstrom. After all,

121
00:06:17,270 --> 00:06:20,750
Nordstrom is a thriving business that...
Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.

122
00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,590
Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of
a day.

123
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:31,620
Uh, hey Meg, how was the sleepover?

124
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:36,460
Good. The Ouija board really came to
life. Some guy named Rene said to stop

125
00:06:36,460 --> 00:06:39,340
making fun of his wife and that stiff
person syndrome is a real thing.

126
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:42,080
Listen, there's something important I
need to tell you.

127
00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:47,940
Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew
and sniff, and I think Patty may have

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breast cancer.

129
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:53,420
Oh my God. Oh, I've got to call her
right away. I mean, she's... Wait a

130
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:55,040
Patty left here fully dressed.

131
00:06:55,420 --> 00:06:57,180
Let me see that bra. Do you have it?

132
00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,520
Brian, that's my bra.

133
00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,760
Oh, cool. We taking our bras off?

134
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,540
The girls are out to play.

135
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:10,500
Well, time to go tease the boys down at
the DQ.

136
00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:15,540
They don't open till 11, and the
Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.

137
00:07:22,220 --> 00:07:24,140
Look, I know this must be stressful.

138
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,440
You sure you don't want to tell Lois
about the breast cancer?

139
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,960
No. I don't want to worry her until I
know for sure.

140
00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:30,720
Well, what about telling Peter?

141
00:07:30,980 --> 00:07:34,160
I actually tried. But he was super
distracted because he got one of those

142
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,460
dollies that mechanics use to slide
under cars.

143
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,040
Dad, there's something important I...
What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de

144
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:41,959
-manning the bed.

145
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,780
Chris, bring my ratchet and some
cinnamon. They don't like cinnamon.

146
00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,560
I'm not sure that's going to work.

147
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,260
Well, that's a very vertical opinion.

148
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:51,440
I've seen Monsters, Inc. and Monsters
University.

149
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:53,280
I think I know what I'm doing.

150
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,660
Siri, what's another word for jugs?

151
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,820
Breasts. I understand you may have
breasts cancer.

152
00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:02,100
Well, that's what we want to find out.

153
00:08:02,340 --> 00:08:06,720
Hmm, but you seem young and healthy.
What brought you in? My dog smelled

154
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,539
on my bra.

155
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:10,260
Oh, a dog smelled it? They're like never
wrong.

156
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,580
We've actually got three of them on
staff here. This guy graduated from

157
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:17,580
Muttger's, this one from UC Berkeley,
and she went to Bitchigan State.

158
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,400
I'm kidding. They all went to Texas
Christian, but they're smart. They're

159
00:08:21,790 --> 00:08:25,530
Ger -do is another one, but what's Meg's
prognosis? We'll wait for her test

160
00:08:25,530 --> 00:08:29,590
results as a formality, but if a dog
smelled cancer on her, I'm not

161
00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:33,010
Meg, if you have anything on your bucket
list, this could be the time.

162
00:08:33,309 --> 00:08:34,929
Are you saying I'm dying?

163
00:08:35,409 --> 00:08:37,650
Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the
room?

164
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:40,970
Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse
to leave any room.

165
00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:43,110
Oh, please excuse me. My phone has
diarrhea.

166
00:08:48,270 --> 00:08:51,690
You guys are not gonna believe this.
Lois and I played truth or dare the

167
00:08:51,690 --> 00:08:54,850
night, but when I asked her how many
guys she's had sex with, she wouldn't

168
00:08:54,850 --> 00:08:56,990
answer. I gotta know. It's driving me
crazy.

169
00:08:57,230 --> 00:09:01,610
Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one
man, and you're looking at him. You sure

170
00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:02,249
about that?

171
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:05,570
Yeah, she got chlamydia from a toilet
seat. We talked about it, then the

172
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:08,370
seat sent her flowers because it felt
bad. Open and shut case.

173
00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:19,610
So... Is a cancer diagnosis a radio on
or radio off situation?

174
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,050
You can turn it on.

175
00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:26,250
Maybe we'll just go without.

176
00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:30,130
You know, part of me is like, I should
probably tell mom and dad about this,

177
00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:32,210
another part of me is like, why bother?

178
00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:35,330
I mean, no one in this family even cares
about me anyway.

179
00:09:35,670 --> 00:09:38,990
Come on, I'm here for you, Meg. We just
got to come up with some way to get your

180
00:09:38,990 --> 00:09:39,969
mind off this.

181
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:43,670
Maybe Dr. Hartman was right. Is there a
bucket list item you've always wanted to

182
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:44,810
do, but you never had the chance?

183
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,169
I don't know.

184
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,910
Anything, Meg. Sky's the limit. No dream
is too big.

185
00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:50,650
Anything? Anything.

186
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:56,670
Well, I've always wanted to pig out on
garbage can nachos at Chaz Inferno's

187
00:09:56,670 --> 00:09:57,670
restaurant in Orlando.

188
00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:00,170
That's it?

189
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:02,590
Yeah, we can do that. Really?

190
00:10:02,910 --> 00:10:06,870
Would we need to contact Make -A -Wish?
Like, how would we even do that? I think

191
00:10:06,870 --> 00:10:08,210
just go there and order them.

192
00:10:08,450 --> 00:10:09,450
Well, can we go right now?

193
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,110
Absolutely. Let's do it.

194
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:15,240
Talk to me, tell me it's time.

195
00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,200
You're switching sides like a Gemini.

196
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,820
You're playing games and now you're
hitting my heart like a drum.

197
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:24,480
Yeah, baby.

198
00:10:25,220 --> 00:10:30,960
Well, if baby luck gets on my side,
we're going to rock this town alive.

199
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,320
I let her rough me up, so she knocked me
out.

200
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:40,100
She walked like she walked, she talked
like she walked. And she banged, she

201
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:41,980
banged. Oh, baby.

202
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:44,640
Look at that. Atlanta, 20 miles.

203
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:49,360
You know, they say Atlanta has the best
strip clubs in the world.

204
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:54,180
Okay. They say NBA players fly in from
all over to go to these clubs. And they

205
00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:57,460
can go anywhere. Like Shaquille O 'Neal
goes to these clubs. It's been

206
00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:01,140
documented in court filings. And if I'm
not mistaken, the Raptors are in town

207
00:11:01,140 --> 00:11:02,140
playing the Hawks tonight.

208
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:05,920
See, Brian? You're the only one who ever
pays attention to what I care about.

209
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,300
Let's do it!

210
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:10,780
Plus, you've got cancer, so you can eat
whatever you want. We don't even have to

211
00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:13,040
look at the strippers. They got big
trays of ziti in there.

212
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:23,120
I got a bunch of quarters from the
change machine so I can support the

213
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,120
strippers.

214
00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:26,440
Al, what are you doing?

215
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,180
Come on, I'm making it hail.

216
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,180
Damn it, knock it off. Hey, that was a
bicentennial.

217
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,980
What? I'm going to need that back.

218
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:39,650
Where's Meg and Brian?

219
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:43,970
I don't know, but he just posted a close
-up photo of a big tray of strip clubs,

220
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:47,070
Edie. And he tagged Meg, so I have to
assume they're fine.

221
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:49,830
Okay, good. They're eating. Then we
don't have to wait.

222
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:55,590
Chris, can you please pass the peas and
ask your mother how many peas she's had

223
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,469
in her mouth?

224
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:57,550
Peter, that's enough.

225
00:11:57,870 --> 00:12:01,790
Chris, can you also ask your mother to
pass the chicken and then ask her if the

226
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:05,150
number of people she's slept with is
more or less than the number of herbs

227
00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:06,970
spices in the Colonel's secret recipe?

228
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,099
Slow down.

229
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,500
I can't keep track of all the foods you
went past.

230
00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:12,340
Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.

231
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:17,860
Okay, this is us.

232
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,900
Sorry I couldn't get us a nicer place.

233
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,120
Are you kidding?

234
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,740
I recognize the guy who checked us in
from Intervention.

235
00:12:24,580 --> 00:12:28,000
Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee
pot, so I'm going to go see if I can

236
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,000
swap that out.

237
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:34,440
Hello, Dr. Hartman? Hi, Meg. You're
going to hear things in the background

238
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,360
this call that make you think I'm at a
Dave and Buster's. I assure you, I am

239
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,520
at a Dave and Buster's.

240
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:41,500
What a shot!

241
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:44,460
We're doing COVID boosters. Are you
calling with my test result?

242
00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:46,020
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

243
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,480
Long distance!

244
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,440
Ignore that. That's just a medical
device.

245
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:50,479
Oh, my God.

246
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,480
Do I have cancer?

247
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:52,760
Yes! Oh, no.

248
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,720
Sorry, what? I have cancer?

249
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,640
Oh, no. No cancer. Your tests all came
back negative.

250
00:12:58,030 --> 00:12:59,470
Oh, thank God. What a relief.

251
00:12:59,890 --> 00:13:01,250
Do you not have any paper menus?

252
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,610
It's only a QR code.

253
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,310
Thank you so much, Dr.

254
00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:08,010
Hartman. Yeah, yeah, Mazel Tov. I just
want mozzarella sticks. Why are you

255
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,010
making this so hard?

256
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:13,590
Brian, I have great news to tell you.
Perfect. Thanks again.

257
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:18,120
I actually have great news, too, Meg.
Get this. I managed to get your story to

258
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,320
Chaz Inferno himself.

259
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,640
And not only is he going to personally
make you garbage can nachos, he's also

260
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:28,500
giving us a $35 dine -in credit, and
he's going to cut your hair and frost

261
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:29,500
tips, table side.

262
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,980
What? That's amazing.

263
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,520
And what's your good news?

264
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:39,040
Oh, um, Brian, look at this plaque. It's
a historic room. Someone from Girls

265
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,380
Gone Wild died in here. Oh, I remember
her.

266
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:44,540
She didn't want to go wild, but then her
friend told her to, so she did.

267
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,140
Whoa. Yeah.

268
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,440
She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.

269
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:01,680
Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.

270
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,180
Don't know if they told you up front,
but in here, you're not allowed to not

271
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:06,920
wear Oakley's on the back of your head.

272
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:08,300
Sweet.

273
00:14:08,540 --> 00:14:12,440
I just gotta say, it is an honor to meet
a man who's never driven a car with a

274
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:16,760
roof. Before we make these nachos, how
about we cut that hair and frost those

275
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:17,760
tips?

276
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,780
Whoa, your hair is so hard.

277
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,420
Thank you. And it's super hot, I can't
tell if you're 30 or 60.

278
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,260
Oh, good thing we're doing this first,
so tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.

279
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,860
Eh, there's tons in there already.

280
00:14:29,220 --> 00:14:30,220
Oh, right on.

281
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,160
All right, Lois, we're just gonna go
this one by one.

282
00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:39,850
Did you sleep with Arthur Aronson?
Peter, come on.

283
00:14:40,190 --> 00:14:42,690
Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?

284
00:14:43,030 --> 00:14:44,710
I thought we were past this.

285
00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:48,690
You still got to finish our Truth or
Dare game. I licked Joe's mailbox, but

286
00:14:48,690 --> 00:14:49,690
never took your turn.

287
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,850
Okay, fine. I'll finish the game. But
I'm only doing a dare.

288
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:55,490
Okay, dare, huh?

289
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:59,750
Then I dare you to roll a blade off the
Swanson's roof and into their pool.

290
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,610
And that'll finally shut you up?

291
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:02,890
Yep.

292
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,060
Oh, God, it's higher up here than it
looks.

293
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,580
You chose dare. This is the dare.

294
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,000
Peter, stop doing truth or dare stuff to
my house.

295
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,460
This doesn't concern you, Joe.

296
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,060
I feel very unsafe.

297
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:21,880
That's it. I'm calling the cops.

298
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:24,999
Yeah, hello.

299
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,440
There's a woman on my roof.

300
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:30,380
Sir, I can't really help you right now.
I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.

301
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:39,849
Oh, my God!

302
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,910
Ah, damn it! Oh, it hurts so much! Oh,
God!

303
00:15:43,190 --> 00:15:44,630
Oh, your leg hurts.

304
00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:45,830
What's that like?

305
00:15:49,370 --> 00:15:52,510
Well, we almost polished off those
garbage can nachos.

306
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:54,430
Dirt? Mm, no thanks.

307
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:55,770
I'll have a little dirt.

308
00:15:58,570 --> 00:16:01,230
Oh, feels like those nachos are making a
run for the border.

309
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:02,930
I better hit the bathroom stat.

310
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,150
Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of
our food? Definitely.

311
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:07,630
Nachos travel great.

312
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,020
Hello? Dr. Hartman? It's Brian. Are you
calling with Meg's test results?

313
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,260
What? No. I told Meg yesterday her
results were negative. I was just

314
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,320
see why she hasn't given me a Yelp
review yet.

315
00:16:23,660 --> 00:16:27,320
Yesterday? Oh, and can you do me a favor
and put my name in Meg's phone as The

316
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,900
Hammer? I'm trying to get that going.

317
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,120
No, I'm not doing that.

318
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,280
Okay. Hammer out.

319
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,760
Why wouldn't Meg have told me?

320
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,260
Meg? It's Brian.

321
00:16:40,460 --> 00:16:42,000
Is there something you want to tell me?

322
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:49,560
Yeah, there's an adult changing station
in here, and the weight limit is 500

323
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,280
pounds. I just talked to Dr. Hartman.

324
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:53,660
Oh, the hammer?

325
00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:56,880
He's going to be psyched you said that,
but he told me he called you yesterday

326
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,440
with your negative test results.

327
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,820
Brian, I'm about three Gatorades away
from being able to have this

328
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,140
Meg, you lied to me. I was super
worried, and I thought you were going to

329
00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:08,960
and you took advantage of me. Why would
you do that?

330
00:17:11,220 --> 00:17:15,160
I... I guess I just saw a chance to live
out one of my dreams and realized it

331
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,160
might never happen again.

332
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:20,339
I can't believe how selfish that is. You
know what? As far as I'm concerned, you

333
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:21,480
can find your own ride home.

334
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:24,319
Are you the one in the Prius? Yes. Why?

335
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:27,940
Yeah, a few of the other patrons did
some terrible things to your car.

336
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,080
You're not Jewish, are you? No.

337
00:17:30,380 --> 00:17:32,020
Okay, then they got some of it wrong.

338
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:38,960
Oh,

339
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,180
Lois, you're awake!

340
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,490
By the way, this lighting makes you look
old.

341
00:17:42,790 --> 00:17:44,770
Did I break my leg?

342
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:48,790
Yes, and it's all my fault. I should
never have hounded you so much.

343
00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:54,210
Lois, we've logged a lot of miles
together. We've raised a family, and

344
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:58,690
life partner. I don't need to know how
many guys you've been with. The fact is,

345
00:17:58,790 --> 00:18:01,410
I love you more than any number.

346
00:18:01,990 --> 00:18:04,490
It's okay, Peter. I want to tell you.

347
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:07,030
I don't want any secrets between us.

348
00:18:07,550 --> 00:18:08,890
The number is 60.

349
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:10,490
Whoa.

350
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:15,320
OK, a little higher than what I thought
it would be, but I guess 16 ain't so

351
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,900
bad. No, no, Peter, 60.

352
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,280
6 -0.

353
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:23,660
We've got a code orange.

354
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:24,699
What's that?

355
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:27,620
It's when a husband finds out his wife
has slept with way more guys than he

356
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:29,000
thought. She's a 60.

357
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:33,720
Holy crap, that's like all the
presidents for 250 years, plus a

358
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,720
and a half.

359
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,540
I'm sure glad they covered this at Texas
Christian.

360
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:02,710
How'd you get ahead of me? A trucker
picked me up. He asked for ass gas or

361
00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:07,350
grass, so I gave him ass gas, and he got
mad and tossed me. This is why I always

362
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:08,690
say commas matter.

363
00:19:09,370 --> 00:19:10,370
Get in.

364
00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:15,230
I still can't believe you lied about
cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno

365
00:19:15,230 --> 00:19:16,330
restaurant. What?

366
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:20,410
What are you talking about? Brian, when
I said one of my dreams, I wasn't

367
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,270
talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's.

368
00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:25,390
I was talking about, for the first time
ever...

369
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:30,880
Actually having real fun with a family
member who wasn't mocking me or farting

370
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,660
in my face or telling me I'm ugly.

371
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:37,340
I guess I lied to you because I just
wanted this amazing trip we've been

372
00:19:37,340 --> 00:19:38,720
to last a little longer.

373
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,440
You know what?

374
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,980
I've had a really good time with you
too, Meg.

375
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:47,320
And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said
I might die, all I could think about was

376
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,700
spending the rest of my life with
someone who really loves and cares about

377
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:52,340
And that was you.

378
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,740
Of course, Meg.

379
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,080
We're family.

380
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:03,000
But wait, then why did your bra smell
like cancer?

381
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:06,880
Yeah, you know, I was thinking about
that. Maybe because I buy all my

382
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:07,980
undergarments at thrift stores?

383
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,960
Ew, bro, you gotta wash them, John.

384
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:12,780
Hey, is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?

385
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,040
It is!

386
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,380
Dad, what are you doing?

387
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:20,360
I blizzarded and boobed my way down to
Florida.

388
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:24,220
I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had
60 men.

389
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:35,080
We now return to 60 Minutes. I thought
we agreed to banish the number 60 from

390
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:35,799
this house.

391
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,680
Are you still upset about this?

392
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,700
I told you one of them was just so I
could get cast in Shakespeare in Love.

393
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:42,980
That doesn't help.

394
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:46,040
Well, what if I said you were bigger
than all of them?

395
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,340
Huh? Would that help?

396
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,600
Actually, yes.

397
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:52,780
Lois, truth or dare, of all the guys
you've been with, am I the biggest?

398
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:54,220
Definitely, Peter.

399
00:20:59,450 --> 00:21:02,530
Marriage, just lie. It's not that big a
deal.